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David Greene reveals plans for 38 new art centers

Catholic Missionary

After the success of Greene Block + Studios and Paul J. Schupf Art Center, the College has revealed plans to build 38 new art centers throughout the Waterville area by the fall of 2023. Several exciting initiatives are officially underway. A state-of-the-art building dedicated to silent disco workshops, an enhanced replica of the studio from Dance Moms, and a concert hall where Yung Gravy will be performing 24/7 are expected to begin construction on Saturday, Apr. 1. There will even be a 675,000 square foot arena dedicated to improv. 

John Pond I `26 expressed excitement for the new art centers. 

“I cannot wait. The only reason I came to Colby was that I had a feeling they’d be venturing into the growing field of silent disco. I truly feel like I’m receiving a true liberal arts education now.”

His brother, John Pond IV `26, however, is disappointed in the lack of options detailed in the College’s plan. 

“I just can’t believe that there isn’t going to be a space for learning how to make the perfect TikTok thirst trap. I mean, it’s one of the most prevalent art forms right now, and Colby is seriously missing out on an opportunity to do something big. That’s all I’m saying,” he said.

Many people have raised concerns about where all of the buildings are going to go, citing a lack of space for 38 new structures. President David Greene, the newly self-appointed emperor of Maine, was quick to shut down these concerns. 

“This was carefully considered in all of our planning meetings, so rest assured that there is no issue here. If it comes to it and we do run out of space, Colby will dabble in building an underground city,” he said.

Maine has run out of construction crews due to other Colby projects, so the College has started recruiting teams from across the world. With such a large-scale project, that still won’t be enough, and Colby will need all hands on deck. The college has implemented a system where students can trade in four hours of hard physical labor for an extra Spa swipe. 

When asked why the College is choosing to invest so much time and resources into the arts, Greene replied, “Well, the arts are an incredibly important part of the liberal arts experience, and I want Colby to be at the forefront. Also, I overheard a Bowdoin student say that he liked art, so I really wanted to rub it in his face that he chose the wrong school. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he sees the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the 8-story stand-up comedy headquarters.”

The interview had to be cut short because Greene could not refrain from laughing evilly and rubbing his hands together.

With the first of the art centers preparing for construction, the city of Waterville can look forward to an exciting and innovative future centered on arts and creativity alongside months of noise and disruption of their peace.


~ Barry McCockiner

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