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Fight Club returns to Mayflower Hill

The College has always been a well-respected institution; however, there is one night when that all changes. One night when the respectable, laid-back, unproblematic academic weapons that are the students of the College can show their true colors, unleash their inner beasts, and get back at their friends who scored slightly higher than them on last week’s biology test. It is, after a long-awaited return, the fourth-annual Fight Club.

Since its formation, Fight Club has been a secretive event, kept under wraps by the student body and passed along to future generations of Colby students. With Fight Club being an underground tradition, it is very obvious that this is NOT a college-sponsored event; therefore, it is essential that anyone reading this account of last night’s events never discusses what occurred on this night. After all, the first and most crucial rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. 

Four years ago, Fight Club was designed by a man with a vision, a man who wanted to unleash all his frustrations in a “constructive” manner. Naturally, this resulted in a campus-wide secret society of prolific fighters going at it thanks to the imagination of that one man, who has for the moment chosen to remain nameless. 

Despite the secrecy surrounding his identity, the founder of Fight Club, known by some as “The Grumbler,” has announced to Mayflower Hill that he hopes to defend his title for a fourth consecutive year and that he’s ready to crush anyone who stands in his way. *gulps*

The journey to reaching a new Fight Club champion began this past Saturday. Notably, “superstar” Michelle Tyson `23 bowed out on the opening night, furiously claiming: “This never would have happened in a ‘street fight.’” 

After a brutal night of carnage in the Heights basement, the venue for all Fight Club-related events, the last standing first-year was Benjamin Werbel, known by some as “The Werbler.” Unfortunately, Mr. Werbel did not last long against The Grumbler, who comfortably belly-bopped him off the stage. 

“I guess being able to bench 225 isn’t everything!” an unknown spectator shouted. 

Later that night, fan-favorite, beach blonde surfer boy Yours Truly `23 faced off against a formidable opponent, LeBron “One-Punch” Patterson `23. In a devastating turn of events, Patterson lived up to her name and knocked me out after one swing. Spectator Luka Donkik `23 had some words after the opener.

“Always devastating to see a friend go down in the early stages of the night, but you know he gave it his all, and I’ll always have a special place for him in my heart. That being said, that knockout blow looked painful; he should probably go to the hosp-” Donkik said before being cut out by Fight Club reporters who wanted nothing to do with any talk of Truly being hospitalized after an honorable defeat. 

On Friday night, The Grumbler faced off against “One-Punch” in a dazzling final matchup. Despite landing some devastating blows, the enormity and superhuman strength of The Grumbler rendered Patterson’s attacks ineffective. With astonishing grace and outstanding technique, The Grumbler managed to pirouette away from an attack and landed a crushing final blow. 

As The Grumbler went to collect his trophy, the doors to the basement were slammed open. In a shocking turn of events, President Greene approached the stage, wearing a pair of flashy sunglasses and a suit. The spectators went silent, and the music was shut off; Fight Club was seemingly done for good. As Greene approached the stage, he looked around, hesitated, and then demanded a rematch for the title of champion, volunteering to be the first to attempt to dethrone The Grumbler. Needless to say, the crowd went crazy. 2023 lived up to the billing —another successful year for Fight Club on Mayflower Hill!


~ Yours Truly

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