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It’s time to get a live mule.

Picture this: a football game is about to begin and teams are ready to run out onto the field before kickoff. There’s a large banner covering the team and suddenly, smoke starts to billow from behind it. Everyone is wondering what is happening, and, as the music being played hits the beat drop, David Greene breaks through the banner riding a live Morty the mule. The crowd goes absolutely wild. This is the future of the College and the solution to our student body’s lack of school spirit. 

I’ve noticed this lack at nearly every sporting event; there are at least two empty seats and that is simply unacceptable. As a student body, we need to be coming together to support our fellow Mules and leave no seat empty! In fact, there shouldn’t even be standing room left by the time the games begin. From football to hockey to ultimate frisbee, we need to start showing up. 

Everyone should be thankful I’ve noticed this and decided to take action. My plan: bring in a live mule. Lots of schools have live mascots and they are fantastic. UT has Bevo the longhorn, LSU has Mike the tiger, Tennessee has Smokey the dog, the list goes on! These schools I’ve just mentioned also have student bodies with outrageously great school spirit. Their stadiums are packed, away games still have great turnouts, and I think one of the largest contributing factors to this incredible school spirit is the live mascot. 

By getting a real mule to be Morty, we can not only increase school spirit, but also increase our intimidation factor and student jobs on campus. Think about it: a live animal needs caretakers both during and after appearances at school events, which can be trained students. 

To intimidate other schools, we can just have someone make a cool edit on TikTok that makes a mule look a lot scarier than it actually is. It can have the smoke entrance onto a field and everything! President Greene could ride it and run it around the sidelines of games, and we can even make up a little routine for it to do like they have in dog shows for halftime performances! 

For hockey games, we can surely afford to get this mule some custom ice skates and an animal trainer to teach it how to skate, again with President Greene riding it. This is seriously some untapped potential for crazy student involvement in the school and upped attendance at sporting events, all because of Morty. 

One thing we would have to be careful about is letting the mule get close to other potential live mascots that our rivals would surely get in attempts to look better than us. The example that comes to mind is when the SMU mustang kicked the Fordham ram in the head and killed it. Morty would need to be monitored to ensure he would not kick anyone or anything. Or we could just make everyone sign waivers that they wouldn’t sue if they did get kicked. 

Honestly, I’m failing to see why anyone would be against this idea. Increased school spirit, more job opportunities for students, President Greene riding a mule, the possibility of being the only institution to teach a mule how to ice skate, the list goes on! 

It’s not too late to make this dream a reality, especially for the incoming class of“27. They deserve something epic to welcome them to the College and us current students deserve something epic because we are epic. 

All I ask in return once this mule is acquired is that I get to ride it across the stage when I graduate. President Greene, you have three years to make this happen.


~ Donkey from Shrek (Regular Mule)


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