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The Colby Games to weed out weakest first-years

Good news, Colby students! The Administration has heard your complaints about the overcrowding and is ready to take positive action towards lowering the number of students on campus.

President David Greene announced this morning via email that, rather than simply accepting fewer students, the College will host The Colby Games, a yearly competition in which students must participate in a battle-to-the-death style competition to stay at the College. 

In his email, Greene wrote, “We would like to continue to accept the best and the brightest who apply to this school, so rejecting strong candidates just to have more space on campus is not an option. However, many of you have not lived up to your full potential since arriving on campus. Therefore, students with the lowest 30% of GPAs in the College will be at risk of having to compete in The Colby Games.”

He assured everyone that seniors would not participate in The Games, as they would not be taking up space on campus the following year. Similarly, not all who are eligible to compete must.

“Those who may have to compete, think of it as a reverse Dean’s List of sorts will be chosen randomly.”

In order to keep class sizes balanced, the number of participants from each class year will be proportional. Therefore, the Class of 2026 will have the most participants, as they are currently the biggest class on campus. 

While this sounds undesirable to students, Greene has assured students that there is a reward for competing.

“If you compete in the competition and win, the rest of your time at Colby will be completely covered by the College, so you won’t need to worry about any debt. This will also cover the cost of textbooks. Also, for each extra time your name is entered in the reaping pool, you will receive 100 dollars off your next semester,” he said.

Many students have come around to the idea after hearing about the potential monetary benefit of The Games.

“This school is so expensive. I don’t think I’m ever going to come out of debt. I might need to compete because I’d rather someone literally kill me than have to deal with the debt after graduating,” Morty Mule `26 said.

“If I’m not selected, I might have to volunteer. That deal is too good to give up,” said Dana Foss `08. 

The competition, which has been sponsored by a generous gift from Harold Alfond, will take place in the Harold Alfond Athletic and Recreation Center (HAARC) and the surrounding area during the third week of April. For that week, the HAARC will be inaccessible to students not participating in The Colby Games.

All rooms in the HAARC will be unlocked and able to be used by participants, so no student has an unfair advantage if they were to have a locker room code. 

Students, faculty, and staff will be able to watch and bet on The Games. It will be live-streamed on the Colby Athletics website as well as played in the Spa lounge, just like the World Cup.

“I wonder if we will be able to skip classes to watch this,” said Lovejoy Miller `24.

An unnamed member of the administration sat down with The Colby Echo to explain their decision.

“We have been considering this for a while. We knew that the overcrowding on campus had been a problem, but the applicant pool for each incoming class has been getting better and better, and we did not want to limit ourselves by the students we have,” they said.

The first reaping will take place on Friday, Apr. 7. Students who are eligible for reaping will be receiving emails from their class deans. Should students wish to put their names in more than once, they will have until Thursday, Apr. 6, to do so.

May the odds be ever in your favor!


~ Anita Dump

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