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​​The history of Christmas chemicals

It’s hard to imagine that over 150 years ago, scientists finally discovered a cure for every disease in the known universe. From the age-old “common cold” to scleroderma, it seemed that humanity had triumphed over sickness and suffering. The very last of the curable diseases, my history teacher explained, was some kind of cough that lasted weeks and made people sound like mules. Wild!

Well, anyway … After all the celebratory parades and speeches, I guess all the science people got to rest for a while, as many of them went on indefinite sabbaticals in various tropical locations. It was only a matter of time, however, before they were needed again. 

That time came when, in the winter of 4042, The Great Christmas Disaster (GCD) struck and left millions without holiday cheer. I think scientists must have also been a little too excited because they named the event the “Christmas” disaster when symptoms of the associated illness were observed in participants from all of the 7,352 different holidays during that time across the universe. But I digress… 

Somehow everyone in the known universe woke up one day with a sense of apathy toward anything related to their respective holidays. It took scientists many years to make the connection between this feeling and the alarmingly low levels of cheeroglobin worldwide, but I guess they didn’t even know about that biomarker until all of the labs adopted holiday-themed research… 

The mystery illness associated with the GCD, though widespread, affected everyone a little differently. My grandmother used to tell me countless stories about living through this scary time. She was one of the lucky ones, having retained nearly 34 percent of her holiday spirit, while quadrillions of others struggled to feel any joy associated with eggnog or decorations. I remember how her eyes welled up with tears when she spoke about the strange and, ultimately ineffective, ways that people tried to reclaim the holiday spirit. 

At first, my grandma and her family, who also seemed to have high levels of cheeroglobin compared to the national average at the time, believed the issue could be solved by caroling. For years, they marched up and down the streets every day between December and January, singing songs in every language from Zimmlish to Italian. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to live through such a chaotic time.

Toward the end of her stories, my grandma would always tear up or become distant. I never quite understood why, but I can imagine it was difficult for her when, after years of caroling, the scientists discovered a class of chemicals that proved 76 percent effective in the treatment of what was then called Holiday Affective Disorder (HAD). 

Researchers quickly discovered that synthetic holiday compounds were the key to having your eggnog and drinking it too! Nowadays, these so-called “Christmas chemicals” are taken via capsule or neural upload by people around the world to experience the joy of the holiday season. I guess that explains why most research labs I looked at for summer internships are dedicated to the synthesis of compounds like Alpha-Pinene.


Suction Beer Abba Panties, Colby Echo Loyalist

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