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This month’s horoscopes

Many reliable sources were consulted during the creation of these horoscopes, including astrology TikTok (awaiting official authorization). The Colby Echo waives all responsibility if this ethereal guidance leads you astray.


Have you had the misfortune of running into an old hookup in the Dana rice bar line? The College’s small campus makes it very hard to evade people, but fret not. To avoid your hookup in the dining hall, consider transferring, a simple yet surefire way to ensure you’ll never see them again.


Do you have one of those professors that never updates Moodle? Instead of worrying about your grade, use this time to reflect on how good your mental health is when you don’t know your biology grade.


Don’t worry about next year’s housing: If you don’t get a senior apartment like you wanted, consider moving into Johnson Pond 5, which will be located on top of Johnson Pond. Word on the street is that President David Greene himself is building this dorm.


If the dining hall chicken has been giving your stomach a hard time, consider becoming vegan. The vegan options are worse than the chicken, and can inspire you to drop out of the College.


Remember your freshman year roommate? When they text you and ask if you have any housing plans for the upcoming year, say no. The bond you both created in that Hillside forced double is unbreakable, so continue to cultivate that friendship next academic year.


Spring semester is especially tough, but instead of spending hundreds of dollars on therapy, just ask ChatGPT how to deal with mental stress. And then use ChatGPT to write your next paper. Your professors will be so impressed and the academic validation will get rid of your mental stress.


Have you struggled with finding a seat during lunch rush hour? Have you been thrown off by the influx of directionless teenagers touring the College? Over 1,000 people were admitted to the College this year, but The Colby Echo has a solution: encourage these students to go to Bowdoin on admitted students day. If that doesn’t work, consider skipping your 11am chemistry lecture next fall.


Does the unreliability of the College’s shuttle annoy you to no end? Are you tired of almost getting hit when you go to the Spa? David Greene is rumored to be discontinuing the shuttle system. Instead, he will be driving students to Walmart and the downtown apartments himself.


Has your crush left you on delivered again? Fear not, for they are just thinking of the perfect response to your most recent text (wyd tn). Consider texting them once every hour until they text you back (or until they block you).


If you’re having issues with your roommate, look no further. If they set multiple early morning alarms, set your alarm earlier. Make sure to wake them up before they can wake you up! If they leave their notebooks on your desk, just throw them away, they won’t need their calculus notes.


Are you struggling to get sleep? Have you been pulling all nighters in hopes of finishing your history essay? Unfortunately astrology TikTok did not have a solution to this, however, we can still help. Instead of struggling to meet the word count, just submit a couple pages with “Dare Northward” typed in big letters.


If you’re annoyed with the College’s over enrollment, worry no more. Even though the Class of 2027 has been “largest and most competitive application pool in the history of Colby,” (surprise!) David Greene has just announced that the College will be adding four new Johnson Pond dorms.


~ Dr. Simp

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