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U.S. airstrikes decimate Hindu nation of Kailasa; City of Newark, New Jersey made to look foolish

As we all know, for five days in Jan. 2023, the city of Newark, New Jersey believed they were creating a beautiful “sister city” program with a city in the Hindu nation of Kailasa. If you haven’t heard the name before, it’s because, according to the few major media articles that were written about this incident, Kailasa does not exist.

According to The Guardian, Newark, New Jersey admitted to having been “duped” for over five days by “notorious Indian fugitive Swami Nithyananda.” Nithyananda is on the run with child abduction and assault charges over his head. 

The City spokesperson of Newark calls this a “regrettable incident,” and wants people to know that Newark “remains committed to partnering with people from diverse cultures to enrich each other with connectivity, support, and mutual respect.”

The people of Newark remain shocked that nobody in office did a simple google search. Surely the government of Newark couldn’t be that incompetent. A Newark citizen who spoke to The Colby Echo under the pseudonym Ghee Buttersnaps stood up for the city’s government. 

“There is absolutely no way they did not do so much as a Google search when meeting the Hindu dude,” Buttersnaps said. “How ridiculous does that sound? There must be more to it.”

After receiving Buttersnaps’s testimony, the Echo did more digging into the mysterious country of Kailasa. We sent our best investigators undercover into the musty records room of the Newark government building; it was over a month before they emerged. Special Investigator Lavender Gooms reported that nothing “suspicious” was found amongst the files. 

“It was just your typical ol’ records room,” Gooms said. “There were the files in boxes labeled local stuff, county stuff, cases involving kids, cases involving clowns, etc. And then, of course, there were the boxes that filled the entire back room labeled ‘nothing suspicious in here,’ so of course we didn’t bother to check it. Really cut down the investigation time.”

At this point, the Echo was close to giving up on the investigation when we received a large box in the mail with no letter and no return address. Concerned for the safety of the office, we did not open the package until we could get the Waterville bomb squad on the scene to inspect it. 

Once the package was deemed non–threatening, we ripped the cover off, expecting to find files related to the Kailasa fiasco. Instead, we found an old Nokia flip phone and a post-it note with a number on it. Needless to say, we did not hesitate to call the number on the flip phone. 

We rang twice but nobody picked up. After two hours of everyone in the office tersely sitting in their chairs, the phone rang. The person on the other end was using a voice modulator, but after a long, hard look at the transcripts, we believe he said his name was something like Lemongrass Gogolob. He claimed to be a whistleblower from the Newark Department of International Affairs. 

“Mainstream sources have it wrong,” Gogolob said. “Kailasa was a real country until about two days after the agreement was made between Newark and the proposed sister city.”

According to Gogolob, it all went wrong during this year’s annual FBI beach extravaganza retreat. Officers Hollaback Atcha and Sterling Cooper decided to have a “duel to the death” with American fighter jets under the influence of “one too many coconut margaritas.” They took off from the coast of Palau, located about 1,000 miles due north of where the nation of Kailasa used to reside. 

Unfortunately, in a maneuver of great misjudgment, Cooper “accidentally” knocked over his beer bottle resulted in him “accidentally” pushing a button that deployed the fighter jet’s missiles, “accidentally” sending the missiles spiraling towards the small Hindu nation of Kailasa. 

As soon as that happened, the U.S. government knew they had to purge the internet of any mention of the nation. Being that Kailasa is a small nation and the citizens of the U.S. are notoriously bad at geography, it was not hard to pretend that the nation never existed.

The only foil to their plan was a press release issued by Newark, New Jersey about the sister city program they had planned to initiate with Nithyanada’s city in Kailasa. Newark’s Mayor Ras Baraka went on the record about their program.

“I pray that our relationship helps us to understand cultural, social, and political development and improves the lives of everybody in both places,” he said. 

The U.S. government left the Newark city government out to dry, making them the laughingstock of the nation for believing in the existence of a supposedly “fake” Hindu nation. If Gogolob’s testimony is to be believed, it seems like the only poor judgment made by the city of Newark was believing a relationship with the U.S. would be beneficial to any foreign nation.


~ Scrooge Jones

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