In advance of the upcoming housing draw for returning students, President Greene has announced new dormitories that will be ready to house students in the coming academic year. In a recent statement to the student body, Greene promised that the new selections cater to a variety of special interests and will augment the Colby and Waterville communities for years to come.
Fans of the iconic tent at the foot of Miller lawn shall rejoice that its signature ivory vinyl will now be present all year long and house the incoming class of 2028 in the form of 30 adapted triples. President Greene describes the new arrangement as “the heart of classic indoor-outdoor Maine living” and happily announced that residents of Tent Quad will each receive a complimentary Colby beanie to brave winter snowstorms. Amenities include flexible plastic walls, sustainably installed ‘hardwood’ wood chip floors, and a centrally located outhouse in the Perkins arboretum wherein students can connect with nature and shower with rainwater. President Greene also announced a new incentive: the first student to spot the elusive Colby coyote in the arboretum outhouse will receive a yearlong supply of orange pineapple and cherry blossom ice cream as an award, courtesy of Colby Dining. A representative from Admissions noted that there is a scarcity of backpackers in the class of 2028 and 2029 cycles that they hope to fill with this new attractive “rustic” style of housing. Additionally, those who enjoy events and gatherings in the white tent need not fret because residents of Tent Quad will be required to temporarily move out their belongings and operate the Colby food trucks for campus-wide events such as Admitted Students Day.
For STEM aficionados, President Greene announced a new special-interest immersive housing experience that straddles the line between work and play. The glass collaboration room in the Olin library in addition to the second-floor chalkboard areas of Davis Science Center will soon be home to dozens of sleeping bags. As one 300-level mathematics professor described, “My students pretty much already live there anyway.”
Miller Library has long been seen as the face of the College, and beginning in August 2024, six lucky students can now call its iconic steeple their humble abode. The uncoverable windows ensure that students will be constantly exposed to natural light, and its octagonal shape is optimal for those interested in unconventional interior design. Residents of the suite are required to organize a schedule of bat signal-esque light shows to be broadcasted from the steeple’s windows every two hours to honor the College’s rich history on Mayflower Hill. This is but a small price to pay for a year’s worth of being able to assert, “I live under the weathervane.”
The College also announced a new off-campus housing option where students can find refuge and hospitality in the spacious warehouse of the Waterville Walmart. Gone are the days of lamenting the limited Thursday-through-Saturday hours of the Walmart Shuttle, with 24/7 access to the nation’s favorite multinational retail corporation. The new arrangement is convenient for those perpetually on the hunt to both Save Money and Live Better™. Lively blue and yellow living space dividers will characterize the Walmart Apartments, wherein traditional wooden armoires and dressers will be replaced by convenient shopping cart storage. Much like the commitment to community service needed to live in the Harold Alfond Downtown Apartments, Colby’s newest off-campus dormitory requires students to engage in unpaid work as baristas in the location’s attached Dunkin Donuts. President Greene described the situation as a “triumph of ingenuity” and “a welcome choice for those who love the smell of munchkins so much, they’d have it follow them everywhere.”
In short, Colby’s newest housing solutions are sure to stun and delight. As President Greene asserted to the student body, “The College’s billion-dollar endowment is certainly being put to good use.”
~ Mo Bamba
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