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As students and faculty navigate the corridors of the Mudd Building, there’s one journey that strikes fear into the hearts of even the most seasoned physicists: the ascent or descent aboard the notorious Mudd Building elevator. Affectionately dubbed “The Gravitron” by those who’ve dared to brave its rattling confines, the elevator has become the stuff of legends within the physics department.

“It’s like Schrödinger’s elevator,” Jonathan McCoy, Associate Professor of Physics and Astronomy, remarked. McCoy is renowned for both his expertise in classical mechanics and his “unique” sense of humor. “Until you open those doors, you’re never quite sure if it’s moving or if it’s just messing with your perception of space and time.”

The Mudd Building elevator seems to exist in a state of perpetual quantum uncertainty, where the laws of classical mechanics collide with the enigmatic principles of quantum physics. Robert Bluhm, Sunrise Professor of Physics, explains, “It’s a fascinating case study in gravitational uncertainty. The elevator’s gravitational potential energy fluctuates unpredictably, much like the uncertainty principle in quantum mechanics.”

But it’s not just the faculty who have felt the gravitational pull of the Mudd Building elevator’s eccentricities. Students, too, have found themselves thrust into a world of existential dread with each spine-tingling journey.

“It’s like stepping into a gas chamber,” confesses one brave student, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of invoking the wrath of the elevator gods. “The eerie creaking of the metal, the ominous groaning of the cables… it’s enough to make even the most stoic of physicists question the nature of reality.”

Despite the hair-raising tales of near misses and heart-stopping free falls, there’s a strange bonding experience that develops among those who share in the elevator’s gravitational rollercoaster ride. Whether it’s exchanging nervous glances with fellow passengers or bonding over shared existential crises, each journey aboard the Mudd elevator becomes a rite of passage for those brave enough to endure it.

Rumors swirl about the elevator’s villain origin story, ranging from a failed experiment in quantum mechanics to an ill-advised attempt to harness the power of cosmic rays for a late-night study session. 

As for the physics department’s standing in President Greene’s eyes, well, let’s just say they’re not exactly the teacher’s pet. While other departments bask in the glow of shiny new facilities and state-of-the-art equipment, physics finds itself relegated to the corner of the campus, whispering theories to anyone who will listen.

“Hey, at least we’re not geology,” one physics major quipped, with a mischievous glint in their eye. “I’d take a wonky elevator over studying rocks any day. At least this way, we’re doing impactful work.”

“Geology? Please,” scoffed Charles Connover, William A. Rogers Professor of Physics, arms crossed in defiance of anything remotely resembling a rock. “If it were up to me, we’d be using our science funding for something useful, like determining the optimal trajectory for launching watermelons out of a catapult. Now that’s real science.”

So beware students! Step inside the elevator, and you might find yourself hurtling downwards to the basement. Or perhaps you’ll ascend the fourth floor, and if you’re particularly lucky—or perhaps unlucky—you might just find yourself catapulted straight into the heavens themselves, ascending to heights unknown.

~ Kickrocks1

In advance of the upcoming housing draw for returning students, President Greene has announced new dormitories that will be ready to house students in the coming academic year. In a recent statement to the student body, Greene promised that the new selections cater to a variety of special interests and will augment the Colby and Waterville communities for years to come. 

Fans of the iconic tent at the foot of Miller lawn shall rejoice that its signature ivory vinyl will now be present all year long and house the incoming class of 2028 in the form of 30 adapted triples. President Greene describes the new arrangement as “the heart of classic indoor-outdoor Maine living” and happily announced that residents of Tent Quad will each receive a complimentary Colby beanie to brave winter snowstorms. Amenities include flexible plastic walls, sustainably installed ‘hardwood’ wood chip floors, and a centrally located outhouse in the Perkins arboretum wherein students can connect with nature and shower with rainwater. President Greene also announced a new incentive: the first student to spot the elusive Colby coyote in the arboretum outhouse will receive a yearlong supply of orange pineapple and cherry blossom ice cream as an award, courtesy of Colby Dining. A representative from Admissions noted that there is a scarcity of backpackers in the class of 2028 and 2029 cycles that they hope to fill with this new attractive “rustic” style of housing. Additionally, those who enjoy events and gatherings in the white tent need not fret because residents of Tent Quad will be required to temporarily move out their belongings and operate the Colby food trucks for campus-wide events such as Admitted Students Day. 

For STEM aficionados, President Greene announced a new special-interest immersive housing experience that straddles the line between work and play. The glass collaboration room in the Olin library in addition to the second-floor chalkboard areas of Davis Science Center will soon be home to dozens of sleeping bags. As one 300-level mathematics professor described, “My students pretty much already live there anyway.”

Miller Library has long been seen as the face of the College, and beginning in August 2024, six lucky students can now call its iconic steeple their humble abode. The uncoverable windows ensure that students will be constantly exposed to natural light, and its octagonal shape is optimal for those interested in unconventional interior design. Residents of the suite are required to organize a schedule of bat signal-esque light shows to be broadcasted from the steeple’s windows every two hours to honor the College’s rich history on Mayflower Hill. This is but a small price to pay for a year’s worth of being able to assert, “I live under the weathervane.”

The College also announced a new off-campus housing option where students can find refuge and hospitality in the spacious warehouse of the Waterville Walmart. Gone are the days of lamenting the limited Thursday-through-Saturday hours of the Walmart Shuttle, with 24/7 access to the nation’s favorite multinational retail corporation. The new arrangement is convenient for those perpetually on the hunt to both Save Money and Live Better™. Lively blue and yellow living space dividers will characterize the Walmart Apartments, wherein traditional wooden armoires and dressers will be replaced by convenient shopping cart storage. Much like the commitment to community service needed to live in the Harold Alfond Downtown Apartments, Colby’s newest off-campus dormitory requires students to engage in unpaid work as baristas in the location’s attached Dunkin Donuts. President Greene described the situation as a “triumph of ingenuity” and “a welcome choice for those who love the smell of munchkins so much, they’d have it follow them everywhere.” 

In short, Colby’s newest housing solutions are sure to stun and delight. As President Greene asserted to the student body, “The College’s billion-dollar endowment is certainly being put to good use.”

~ Mo Bamba

As of mid-March, Sean Combs, better known as “Diddy,” has faced several serious sexual misconduct and trafficking allegations. Prior to hearing of these reports, Colby’s Administration made a dedicated effort to find a well-known rapper to perform at the spring concert, where Combs, to much surprise, committed right away. 

The Administration is now struggling to find a replacement in anticipation of the backlash the rapper will inevitably receive from the student body. 

“We reached out to Diddy as soon as we could, excited to have such a well-known rapper visit Colby. We had no idea at the time of the present allegations and apologize extensively for not researching his background earlier on. Now, with little time and a limited range of connections willing to perform at the last minute, the Administration is debating whether to keep the concert with Diddy live, or to cancel altogether,” said Molly Grant, supervisor of the Student Programming Board (SPB).

Complicating the issue further, officials now believe the rapper has fled the United States after his homes in both Miami and Los Angeles were raided weeks after the reports of misconduct began to surface. Still, he publicly denies the allegations, despite keeping a low radar since then. 

Right before going under threat by the authorities, however, he posted a thread saying, “See you soon Colby. Be up with homeboy Meek Mill, back of my van, in a few!”

The College has yet to receive any further notice of attendance from his end but expect him to cancel soon to escape possible repercussions.

For Annika Bentower `25, the fact that the administration could still consider hosting Diddy is rather appalling. 

“This whole situation just speaks to how willing the college is to turn a blind eye on major issues such as sexual assault and literal human trafficking for the clout of having Diddy perform. He is an awful human being and sadly stands for what it’s starting to look like the college represents in their handlings of Title IXs. Like, first rapists are allowed to walk around this school, and now they can just get up on stage and perform while we pretend there’s no real issue to fight against,” said Bentower. 

Another student, Bethany Brockwell `24, refuses to attend the concert if Diddy is there. She suspects others will feel the same way, and that the Administration should just cancel altogether. 

“I am in disbelief that there is even a debate about all this,” Brockwell said. “Obviously ticket sales will be at an all time low, because who would want to support a person like that. Colby will not be getting my ticket money and everyone I know feels the same, except for some football guys who find this issue hilarious.”

Similarly to these students, members of SPB are very upset about their recent association with Combs on the administration’s behalf and are working vigorously to get the concert canceled or even postponed while they seek out alternatives. 

“I am just beyond upset at how this whole situation is being handled, and even more so that we look like the bad guys in all of this. Like, we are college students obviously not in direct contact with Diddy himself and everyone’s out here looking at us,” SPB leader Boris Bruser `23 said. 

“The board is fully aware not just because of how this issue looks on our part but also at those affected by the administrative error that Diddy should not be allowed on campus. We are hopeful he cancels himself while we look for other alternatives but until then, our group is in protest, starting up a petition to figure something out,” SPB member Penelope Kirst `25 added.

SPB appears committed to preventing Diddy from performing at the concert, with a large number of other students also in favor. While the performer has not been officially dropped, those on the inside, including Administration and SPB members, are fully aware that he is the only performer to have confirmed availability and willingness to attend. Further updates may get delayed.

~ Not Emily Schusterbauer