College can be a difficult period in one’s life, filled with stress and deadlines that often take a major toll on the mental health of students. As a result, some turn to drugs. The College’s administration is not ignorant of this occurring on campus. As an attempt to dissuade students from using drugs, an online drug safety course is being implemented because no one would show up if it was held in person.
Below is a three-part series that aims to cleanse the College of illegal substances, and simultaneously promote a more unified community.
Drugs can be a sensitive topic for a lot of people. Let’s start by taking a minute to do some meditative breathing and self-reflection. Try shutting your eyes and breathing through your nose. Can you remember the name of the last person to offer you Percocet on campus? What color were their Blundstone boots?
Good, now you’re thinking. Drugs can come in all shapes and sizes, so you always need to be on your feet. Some of the obvious drugs to stay away from are:
Bob’s blueberry chicken
But what happens when these drugs have been Colby-fied? Be on the lookout for some of these slang names that are used to describe dangerous drugs:
Cocaine: David Greene’s dandruff
Adderall: Year-round Allegra
Shrooms: Bob’s Blueberry Chicken
LSD: Spa jello
All of these are highly addictive substances that could harm -or even kill- you if consumed. Being able to identify them by their street name could save your life.
You cannot rely on anyone to protect you from drugs. How can you be certain that your best friend isn’t a drug dealer? They probably are right now.
It can be hard to identify a drug dealer, especially if it’s a loved one. Provided below are signs that your friend might be a drug dealer:
- They have told you that they sell drugs
- You have seen them sell drugs
If either of these statements is true, call (248) 434-5508 immediately. Anonymously reporting could save lives. Except we will have to tell your friend that it was you who ratted them out because of disclosure laws.
Now that you’ve learned how to identify a drug and a dealer, let’s try out a few situations where you might be offered drugs. Saying no can be hard.
Scenario one: your best friend. Remember, your best friend is running a drug cartel. You have been unknowingly used as a drug mule several times. Now, they are offering some drugs to you.
You: “It’s starting to get chilly at night!”
Best friend: “Yes. Where is global warming when you need it?”
You: “I like the way you think.”
Best friend: “No, it’s not me, it’s the five grams of cocaine I took twenty minutes ago.”
Best friend: “Take some now. It is organic, so it’s healthy.”
Uh oh! Best friend has created quite a pickle! Do you say yes to the drugs, or do you say no and lose your best friend forever? In precarious situations like these, D.A.R.E Northward is unable to provide support. You do you; no judgments! But personally, we would just take the drugs.
Scenario two: math class after hours. Sometimes, your classmate will be the one offering you drugs. Try reading this totally normal interaction between two classmates that you are guaranteed to experience at some point if you take MA135.
Student one: “Hey.”
Student two: “Hey.”
Student one: “Are you in my math class?”
Student two: “I’ll tell you if you do cocaine with me.”
Student one: “Oh no, cocaine is bad, but I need help on this problem set. Ok!”
Try to identify where student one went wrong. Was it when they asked student two if they were in the same math class? Or was it when they agreed to do cocaine?
None of the above! The crucial mistake was student one engaging in a conversation with student two. You should try to reduce conversation whenever possible. In this situation, student two is a victim of small talk and reacted appropriately. Besides, student one knows that they are in the same class, so they were the first to create a hostile environment. The entire interaction could have been avoided if student two had refused to speak. Silence is the most powerful weapon you have, unless you know the answers to the problem set. If you don’t enjoy awkward silence, try screaming at the top of your lungs.
Scenario three: the stranger. Now that you’re getting the hang of it, let’s try an interaction that might be a little more subtle.
Student one: *knocks on bathroom door*
Student two: “One second! I’m just shitting my pants!”
Student one: “Ok.”
Student two: “Do you want to try?”
Trendy colloquial phrases make it difficult to discern a casual conversation from a drug deal. Is this student evacuating their bowels in their pants? Or are they eating a whole bag of psilocybin? Further questioning can be helpful to determine which activity is being referenced. Try asking when they last ate dining hall food.
Lesson summary: Drugs are everywhere. Everyone has drugs, and they are going to try and push them onto you. Say no, because as a Colby student, you are already overcommitted.
To prove that you completed this lesson, please write a 300 paragraph essay about a time you’ve consumed illegal drugs. Failure to complete the assignment will result in the deactivation of your Colby Card.
~ Catherine Mongan `26