Guidelines for my roommates

In the midst of roommate season, the stress of finding someone willing to live with you can be difficult to manage. Many turn to friends or those who they have roomed with before to ensure the experience will be pleasant for both parties. Regardless of the situation, it can be helpful to lay down some ground rules. As someone who is extremely easygoing, I have found that writing out some simple guidelines aids greatly in communicating your needs and expectations to the other person, as well as what you are comfortable with. Below is a basic example of what this can look like:

Regarding men in the room— I am fully supportive of whoever/ whatever you choose to bring home, as frequently as you desire. In return, I hope that you will similarly be supportive of my endeavors to bring home multiple men each night. To clarify, I am not talking about Colby guys—I mean middle-aged, Waterville men. If this makes you uncomfortable, I suggest you figure out how to make yourself comfortable. And, out of utmost respect for you, we will refrain from having intercourse in the room while you are visibly awake.

While I may have a reputation for being a little disorganized at times, rest assured that the pressure of living in a shared environment will keep me accountable for my stuff. However, I will require an allowance each week upon completion of all my chores. I believe $5 a week to be a reasonable amount, although I am certainly open to receiving more on a weekly basis if you feel I exceeded expectations.

I am a firm believer in democracy and the rights of the people, but not in practice. By agreeing to be my roommate, you will be required to relinquish all first, third, fourth, and nineteenth amendment rights. Please see below for more details.

First Amendment: Fundamental Freedoms

Third Amendment: Cannot be forced to Quarter Soldiers

Fourth Amendment: No Searches and Seizures

Nineteenth Amendment: Women’s Suffrage

If I leave the room to use the bathroom and you forget to say “don’t fall in,” I will fall in, and it will be your responsibility to extricate me.

Figuring out how to split the room to maximize space for both of us is a challenge that I am prepared to take on. While many choose to be basic and split the room down the middle vertically, I propose that we rebel against the status quo and split the room horizontally. While it may be a bit of an adjustment for you to have the upper half of the room (I already called dibs on the bottom half,) I do not doubt that you will find your footing, (just obviously not literally.) I have done the math, and this will increase my square footage SIGNIFICANTLY.

Absolutely no homework of any kind will be permitted in the room. Take your perverse indulgence elsewhere.

I don’t often advertise this part of myself, but I am a working artist. However, I’m in a bit of a dry spell with commissioned work as of late. Therefore, all artwork or decorations displayed in the room will be drawn/painted/sketched by me. My work has been praised by many renowned critics, including my grandmas (deceased), my uncle (deceased), and my grandpa (soon to be deceased.) If you are curious or have concerns about the quality of my work, please direct all questions to them.

Full disclosure: I’m a little bit high-strung and can unintentionally be a tad overbearing. So, when I’m not present in the room, feel free to do whatever you’d like.