Deep in the throes of winter training, many athletes are beginning to see the effects of pushing their body to the limit, in the form of stress fractures or other iterations of overuse injuries. In high-impact sports, such as cross-country running or diving, injuries can occur when athletes forget the little things: sleeping enough, refueling properly, and jumping headfirst only into bodies of water deeper than six feet.
However, some injured athletes were doing everything right and sustained their injuries under more precarious circumstances. These select athletes are the targets of a random spree of moose attacks occurring around campus. While it may seem bizarre or implausible, several athletes have reported similar transgressions involving moose, shedding light on the unspoken prevalence of these blitzes.
For Lindsey Michels `25, a recent survivor, the attack definitely happened. Michels can’t recall the details of the event, citing the trauma as “too great to recount”. “I don’t like talking about it, but I was in the Spa, and when nobody else was looking, the moose came up, and it just went like, WHAM. And when it ran away, I felt pain in my fourth metatarsal.”
Maria Dibria `26, a freshman on the cross country team and a moose survivor as of last October, said “I don’t want to be reduced to another statistic. Do you know how many people are attacked by moose annually? Google says five to ten in the U.S., but I’d be willing to bet it’s at least twelve.”
Dibria, who would like it to be known that she was not increasing her mileage and intensity at the same time, added, “It’s just such a shame because I was doing everything right. Sleeping every night, only eating carbohydrates, and quadrupling the recommended amount of vitamins and supplements— all for injury prevention.”
The increasing number of attacks has sparked important and uncomfortable conversations, the most consequential debate regarding what the plural of “moose” is. Arguments over the correct form polarized the campus, and left many questioning the omnipotence of a higher power that allows for “moose” instead of “meese.”
Jane DeVilla, a former “meese”er, is taking some time to process the shocking revelation. “First the meese— excuse me—moose attacks, and now this controversy? It’s just too much for me. If moose is to meese, then what is goose to geese? What is red to blue? What am I to you?”
DeVilla is currently receiving the help she desperately needs.
Abby Stephler `26 said “I think these stories of injury are preposterous and nonsensical. If you are going to lie about the way you hurt yourself, at least make it logical or temporally conceivable.” Stephler, described by her friend as “intellectually violent,” provides the voice of reason that exactly nobody asked for. To add insult to injury, Stepher claims she’s known “moose” was correct since middle school.
The erratic nature of the attacks makes the next strike impossible to predict, but the entire campus should be on the lookout for moose with a vengeance. And the next time you see an injured athlete, don’t judge a book by its cover. Be sensitive. They were probably attacked by a moose.
~ Catherine Mongan `26
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